First: Congratulations to all my friends, my family and my darling wife who are Auburn University alumni and fans. On the playing field (1), your Tigers annihilated all of the competition and deserve to be in the BCS Championship Game. Here, in the cold, clear light of day, and one week removed from the heart-rending agony of inexplicably and inexcusably blowing a 24-point fucking lead in the Iron Bowl (2), I can say unashamedly that I hope you beat the Oregon Ducks and continue the Southeastern Conference’s current trend of football superiority — I, in fact, intend to be there in person to see you do it (3).
Second: I would have had it another way, obviously, but I can draw solace in the certainty that the back-to-back national championships of Alabama and Auburn will swell our already epic rivalry to biblical, end-of-the-universe-as-we-know-it proportions for years to come — as it should be.
1: I hope that playing field was a level one. I hope the disgusting off-the-field decisions of your quarterback’s father truly end with him and do not spill over the Mississippi state line to taint your season, your quarterback, your university, and the game of college football. Contrary to what internet message board and talk radio caller filth would have you believe, no true, passionate supporter of college athletics wants the allegations against that kid to be true. I am reserving judgment, and I hope that we got our asses beat fair and square.
2: On my hard drive there is a 1000-word essay describing my feelings on the 2010 Iron Bowl fiasco in the form of an open letter to Coach Saban and the University of Alabama coaching staff. It will not see the light of day, mostly because it reads like a third-grader wrote it while simultaneously crying and bashing his head against a brick wall. In summation, Point A: We aren’t paying those hefty salaries for an unimaginative offense and an uninspired defense to spend an entire season not living up to their potential. Point B: Conference and national championships and season kickoff games and bowl appearances and individual award winners: they’re just the icing on the cake. We expect you to beat Auburn. (We also expect our team to hold on to 24-point advantages… over anyone.)
3: Don’t expect me to wear orange or blue or sing anything or clap very loudly.
